stradasphere

What you do should not define who you are.

OK, I just read this again on the Evotional blog! That's four times in two weeks! Do you think God is trying to tell me something? This is too weird since I haven't read this blog in a long time! (I recommend any one to read it!)

Yes, God is obviously trying to tell me something. And considering some recent events at home, I should listen. I have been asked by my wife to seek some help with a burden of guilt and shame that runs my life sometimes, and causes me to keep people away and do dumb shit. My childhood was f-ed up from the get go...Irish mom, Mexican dad=BORN TO DRINK! But that's not the half of it. Abuse of all kinds, the general lack of real love...no I didn't have to clean the vacuum cleaner but shit was weird.

I took my childhood into adolescence in the 70's. Me, me, me! Smoking dope by grade 5, coke by grade 8, and so on. The girls didn't really come along until senior year but it took off after that. Not that I was a catch, I was a wretch. Sex, drug, and rock and roll for many, many years. Then comes the pregnant ex, then deeper into the meth and booze...then a baby is born, and he is beautiful! He reminds me of what love is. We all try the family thing...no go. I can't hang...more meth, more booze, more girls. But there is a single mom out there taking care of my boy and I know deep in my heart I love his mom. But it's easy to love a baby, especially yours.

So then comes many failed drug tests, court dates, visitation schedules, child support payments, more meth, more coke, more booze, more girls...Then it's time--AA, coffee, and smokes for me thank you, oh yeah, and there are girls. Four years of calling right at 7p.m. to talk to my boy, weekend visits, every Wednesday, tears on Thursday morning.

Then comes Jesus, church, and reconcilliation. Finally she believes I'm straight and want to make it work. But there seems to be no time for courting or even romance. We get married with a ton of baggage and not enough wine and roses. Plus we get some horrible advice from a pastor...BUT then comes the princess, jobs, a bit of grey hair...which leads me to here. See how I didn't mention coaching little league, delivering my daughter, date nights with my wife, leading youth groups, remaining diligent in my faith, loyal to my family??? I still see myself as a collection of my former actions. Deep guilt, self loathing...but that's not who I am. RIght? God says no. Why can't I?

posted by Unknown @ 2:49 PM