stradasphere

I Want My, I Want My, I Want My OCD

It is official. I have "Mental Obsessive Control Disorder." I knew it all the time, because it's all I could think of. I went to a therapist with my wife to "work on stuff" and one of the first things the therapist asked me was whether I was OCD or not. I answered a bunch of questions and she confirmed it. No big mystery but now I have a name to put on why I can run a thought over, and over, and over, and over...you get it. Many thoughts are ridden with guilt and shame from a previous life...but she gave me a book and some stuff to mull over (and over, and over, and over...you get it.)

She also said something interesting, disturbing, and very sad. She said it seems that I do not believe I am good at a "cellular level." (and not T-Mobile cellular.) This made sense. Even when I pray I often start out by asking God to forgive me even before I thank Him or tell Him I love Him. I have been trained to think this way...by my old church (legalistic "works-based" faith crap) and by various abusive family members. I was just never good enough. But God doesn't feel that way about me, neither does my family. But I carry a lot of guilt. Especially with my wife. I screwed her over pretty bad before we got married. But, knock knock, she took me back!

We are really working through a lot of this right now. My cellular issues, OCD, and the way I roll often shows her I don't love her. But I do you see. We just hit 6 years and there is still so much more to work through, but also so much more love. At 41 I feel like a kid and often act like one but nanny nanny to you. We celebrated our anniversary at Bennihana on Friday night and talked like we were dating...I got nauseous though which kind of messed up a certain part of the evening...but we sure had a great talk. I predict this anniversary has "turning point" written all over it. Now THAT is something to obsess about!

posted by Unknown @ 12:57 PM