stradasphere

My Confession

I woke up this morning and realized I am very angry at God. I feel lied to and betrayed. I don't want to pray or read His word. If I am not playing guitar, I don't want to go to church. I don't want to be called a Christian. I don't care. I have been duped. This isn't a better life. Except the whole going to heaven thing.

If you have read any of my previous writing, you may be suprised by my rant (I hate that "blogger word").

Talking to my wife a few ago, I realized most of my frustration is about money, or lack there of. Since I have been married, we have struggled with money. We tried the traditional one income, mom at home thing, and it's not working. Living paycheck to paycheck sucks. What sucks right along with that is my wife has a 4-year ride to college waiting for her. It kills her that she can't take advantage of that. It kills me that I can't provide for us so she can. Then comes the blame game.

1. I Blame Myself: I got the most available college degree after getting kicked out of the theatre department--English Liturature. Jobs available...teacher, poet, writer. Sounds lofty but doesn't pay the bills. I tried the teaching thing and found out it isn't students that make the job suck, it's other teachers. I never liked them when I went to school anyway. I found I can manage (manipulate) people so I have risen through some ranks in corpoarte education. My favorite job was a restaurant manager who dressed up as Elvis everynight. But I was single and Bobby McGee's is long gone.

2. I Blame My Wife: She should just go out there and get a job and suck it up. NOTE: In my heart of hearts I don't really want this for her. I want her to have her dreams. She should not buy anything that we don't need. Yeah right, that takes away from Daddy's fun too. Bullshit. She should be able to buy all the freaking candles and craft stuff she wants. Oh yeah, and she should of never gotten pregnant...THANK GOD SHE DID!! So we go back to #1.

3. I Blame My Dreams:..and all the people who said I was special. Sorry Mom, but you are at the top of the list here. I tried to follow my dreams and ended up broke everytime. Plus it is hard to have a family when you are out every night at rehearsal or at a show. There were the select few teachers and family members, you too my lovely wife, who said I was going to do something great.(But they said I was special, not that I would have money)

***NOW THE BIGGIE***
4. I Blame God: You told me everything was going to be alright. You said You would not let me fall. But I did. You said, do the right thing and marry your son's mother (besides the fact that I love her...I am being pissy here). You said follow Your Son. I DID! You let me start out my journey with Him in the most f-ed up church that stole 6 years of my life. 6 years of judgement, spiritual abuse, lies, and mostly bullshit. Why didn't You save me from that? I wasn't spiritually aware enough to know what was going on. Hell, I just got off the meth. I try to provide for my "traditional family" and it aint-a-workin.

Wait, none of this was Your fault. That was Christianity.

There it is folks. My confession. And most of it comes from the little kid in my heart that wants his dreams to come true and live in Utopia. The rest of it comes from a frustrated and confused man. I still believe in miracles, but the one I am looking for has a dollar sign on it. Forget that I have a family that loves me to death, I am not on drugs anymore, I am starting to play music again and I am out of that fucking cult-church. Show me some cash.

The funny (not quite the right word) thing is, out of all the people I blame, God is the One who forgives and loves me most.

posted by Unknown @ 10:33 AM