stradasphere

The Pink Light of My Life

"TODAY IS MY DAUGHTER'S 4TH BIRTHDAY!!!" says the proud daddy...but four years ago today was not the happy, fluffy bunny-animated hearts popping everywhere day it is today! I know, everyone says when their kid was born it was "the happiest day of my life" and all that BUT I can stake a claim in that the night my daughter Grace was born, it was an amazing adventure!

The stork was supposed to have arrived already and mommy was tired of waiting for her little bundle of joy...just like a princess to keep everyone waiting for her grand entrance, and what an entrance! After doing all the tricks to induce labor, including a CASTER OIL MILKSHAKE, my wife resigned to the fact that the princess will arrive when SHE wants to and not when we want her to.

I had some beautiful T-bone steaks in the oven when I heard what sounded like an elephant being grabbed by the "you-know-whats"!! (Sorry honey!) ARRRGGGHHH!!!Then the moment of truth BUT WHAT ABOUT THE STEAKS??? My wife yelled "IT'S TIME TO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" YIKES!

I made the call to our friends to pick up our son, the whole RSV thing, and got Angell in the car. Now, I WAS driving fast but she insisted I wasn't and my lovely, law-abiding wife insisted I run a red light or two, of all the nerve!

We screeched up to what I thought was emergency but it was the ambulance entrance. Some paramedics were hanging out telling me I could not park there but I calmly told them, " I THINK MY WIFE IS HAVING A BABY RIGHT NOW!!" One of them rushed over and confirmed, 'Oh yeah, we need to get her out now!" (Here comes the cool parts)they put her on a gurney and we were running, yes running, down the hall. It was just like a scene out of ER and yes, I was George Clooney! It was hard to hear over the sound of "I WANT AN EPIDURAL!!! We got her into the room--"I WANT AN EPIDURAL!!! but the nurse said "no dice" the baby is coming NOW! Minutes later Dr. Z came rushing in saying, "This is why the Lord created Trans Ams." (now the best part!)

He was looking in, so to speak, and asked if a full head of dark hair looked like one of ours and we confirmed, under the screaming, and my wife was yelling too! THEN he said to me, "Well, come over here and get your daughter." I thought she was already out BUT NOOO! Just a tiny bit of her little head was showing and the doc told me to "just reach in there and pull her out"! which I did!!

It was one of the most amazing, if not the most, things ever. I got a hand under her tiny little shoulder and she just came right out! And I was holding this little brown, wrinkled person!! I handed her to mommy who was waving her arms wildly to hold her little package. The cord was very short,but then good ol' Dr. Z handed me the scissors and showed me where to cut!! It was hard to get through but I got through and she was free!

The nurses took her to clean her up and I stood there grinning like an idiot and sang "Amazing Grace" to my little princess. That night she peeped and squeaked all night as she slept her first night on top of her mommy instead of in. She still keeps us up and she is still amazing! Happy Birthday My PRINCESS GRACE!

posted by Unknown @ 3:40 PM 0 comments

THUGS 'R US

Falafel: In what seems to be only the first in a series of new terror attacks, U.S. soldier, Special Ops Cody, a.k.a. John Adam, was taken hostage by radical detergents. In a message posted on Al Jezeerra, the terrorists demand the U.S. release other Brothers-with-arms that are being held for similar crimes against toys.

We will start by dismantling this little man until all of his parts are in a pile. Then we will melt him down under the name of our god, the message said.

The White House issued this statement: We are currently working with Mattel and Hasbro and have been playing Stratego for our best options for Cody's rescue. We have seen this before and will prevail.

The White House was most likely referring to a similar kidnapping of G.I. Joe at the beginning of the War on Terror. This may be a copy-cat kidnapping which opens speculation on whether this is the work of Cobra, arch nemesis of G.I. Joe. The slime balls have also changed tactics by threatening to melt the soldier.

Toyerrists have long been know for dismantling action figures, even going so far as placing different heads on different bodies claiming them to be Mutants for Muhammad, however this is the first actual threat of using a Bic lighter.

The outcry from the public has been enormous. To raise awareness about terrorist toynapping, celebrities are banding together to perform a remake of the hit song, We are the Toys. Among the star-studded cast is Malibu Barbie, Woody, the duo of Raggedy Ann and Andy, Buzz Lightyear, Mr. Potato Head, and many others. Organized by the Green Machine himself, Gumby, this song is sure to surpass previous sales records.

THIS JUST IN: A new video has just appeared on an Islamic website claiming to have kidnapped Reporter Ken who has been embedded with the G.I. Joe Team. Barbie could not be reached for comment. Stradasphere will be covering this developing story.

STRADASPHERE NEWS: Fairly Unbalanced

posted by Unknown @ 8:09 AM 0 comments