What you do should not define who you are.
OK, I just read this again on the
Evotional blog! That's four times in two weeks! Do you think God is trying to tell me something? This is too weird since I haven't read this blog in a long time! (I recommend any one to read it!)
Yes, God is obviously trying to tell me something. And considering some recent events at home, I should listen. I have been asked by my wife to seek some help with a burden of guilt and shame that runs my life sometimes, and causes me to keep people away and do dumb shit. My childhood was f-ed up from the get go...Irish mom, Mexican dad=BORN TO DRINK! But that's not the half of it. Abuse of all kinds, the general lack of real love...no I didn't have to clean the vacuum cleaner but shit was weird.
I took my childhood into adolescence in the 70's. Me, me, me! Smoking dope by grade 5, coke by grade 8, and so on. The girls didn't really come along until senior year but it took off after that. Not that I was a catch, I was a wretch. Sex, drug, and rock and roll for many, many years. Then comes the pregnant ex, then deeper into the meth and booze...then a baby is born, and he is beautiful! He reminds me of what love is. We all try the family thing...no go. I can't hang...more meth, more booze, more girls. But there is a single mom out there taking care of my boy and I know deep in my heart I love his mom. But it's easy to love a baby, especially yours.
So then comes many failed drug tests, court dates, visitation schedules, child support payments, more meth, more coke, more booze, more girls...Then it's time--AA, coffee, and smokes for me thank you, oh yeah, and there are girls. Four years of calling right at 7p.m. to talk to my boy, weekend visits, every Wednesday, tears on Thursday morning.
Then comes Jesus, church, and reconcilliation. Finally she believes I'm straight and want to make it work. But there seems to be no time for courting or even romance. We get married with a ton of baggage and not enough wine and roses. Plus we get some horrible advice from a pastor...BUT then comes the princess, jobs, a bit of grey hair...which leads me to here. See how I didn't mention coaching little league, delivering my daughter, date nights with my wife, leading youth groups, remaining diligent in my faith, loyal to my family??? I still see myself as a collection of my former actions. Deep guilt, self loathing...but that's not who I am. RIght? God says no. Why can't I?
David prayed this in a cave. Now its my turn. (Hey didn't that sound like Bono on the Rattle and Hum album when he was introducing Helter Skelter..."Here's a song Charles Manson stole from the Beatles; we're takin' it back." Well didn't it?)
I cry aloud with my voice to the LORD;
make supplication with my voice to the LORD.
I pour out my complaint before Him;
declare my trouble before Him.
When my spirit was overwhelmed within me,
knew my path
In the way where I walk
have hidden a trap for me.
Look to the right and see;
there is no one who regards me;
is no escape for me;
one cares for my soul.
I cried out to You, O LORD;
said, "You are my refuge,
portion in the land of the living.
"Give heed to my cry,
I am brought very low;
me from my persecutors,
they are too strong for me.
"Bring my soul out of prison,
So that I may give thanks to Your name;
righteous will surround me,
You will deal bountifully with me."
I Need a Guru
My brain is messed up. There is too much to do. There is too much I don't know. I can't handle the simplest things sometime. I don't know karate, but I wish Mr. Miagi was here. I consult the Great Spirit and I can't hear Him. Oh yeah, I just need Jesus, but I can't always hear Him. God has all the answers but I can't find them. Sometimes it's as simple as what shirt to wear. Then it is as complex as where is my family going to live when my lease is up. Should I invest? Should I buy my wife more flowers. Does my boy really need XBOX live? Do I need a freaking shrink? Leaving my last church has left me with questions...questions my old pastor was too busy to answer. Questions God knows the answer to. Even Monk has his shrink to help him. I feel like Monk...that's better than Ralph Macchio...however, as I write, I remember hanging with my former music pastor who has become a good friend and guide. He told me this...MY CIRCUMSTANCES DO NOT DEFINE WHO I AM...I heard this from the pulpit too at Moon Valley church and again from my chirpractor/physical therapist...OK I'll take this one and run.
Another Year of Pink Sunshine in My Life!
Five years ago today, actually tonight, a bright beam of pink sunshine shined into my heart and into my life. Grace Anne Estrada came into the world in the hands of her proud daddy (who now resides around her tiny little finger.) I will never forget the doctor saying, "Come here and get your daughter." HOWEVER, I had no clue she was still inside mommy! I just saw a little little part of a tiny little head peaking out, if you know what I mean. The doc says, "Reach in and get her!" Um, yeah, ok, cuz I have done this SO MANY TIMES! But with probably the goofiest smile full of joy, wonder, and mostly fear, I reached in and pulled my baby out. Now, I don't mind being honest, I was a little worried when I saw this little brown, shrivelled up, human in my hands..."Shit, she IS going to look like mommy, isn't she?" Hopefully this blog will be long gone before my girl can read...but she really was beautiful. My shaky but firm hands held her in awe as I handed her to the wildly waving hands of mommy...who didn't get an epidural so she was the boss. After that I got to cut the cord. I had wanted to do it old school, with my teeth, but somehow I changed my mind. The nurses eventually took her and put her on a little table to poke and wipe and well, they were pretty rough! But I stood there with the idiot smile that only dads have and I sang her Amazing Grace. Because she was, and she still is!
She is a princess, a tornado, a little rock star, and did I say she was a princess??? She calls me about 5 times a day now...she knows my cell number! She runs to the door when I get home! She prays for me every night. She is always ready to dance with daddy, sing with daddy, wrestle with daddy, and most of all, snuggle with daddy. Put a fork in me. As I write this, I wish I could take back some of the times I said GRACIE! with a little too much on the end. I wish I could take back a few, "I'm too tired right now to dance with you's", and about a hundred "No's". But the good news is she is only 5 and we have a long life together!
So, I am taking the rest of the day off to go to her preschool class to eat cupcakes, and go see Narnia. She has already received a very large teddy bear for Valentine's from one of the little precious boys in her class. (He and I are having a little chat today...)
I realize life goes by so fast, so on the way to my little princess' precious little party...I am making a quick stop at the gun store.
Happy Birthday Princess Grace!
Love is Patient, I'm Not
I read this somewhere! I am finding I need to remember this on a daily basis. My beautiful love is going through so much pain and misery lately and I forget the patience part of love very often. I get to a point about once or twice a week where I just don't want to hear about her pain, any complaints, negativity, hopelessness, you get the picture. Usually these nights mean I knock myself out and sleep through my own pain. In some ways, I check out on my wife and life and hope the tomorrow brings clarity. What it usually brings is another long talk with my love, an renewed committment to be more compassionate and sometimes some...well that is none of your business.
Today is one of those days. I have spent much of the day on the phone, listening, talking, and trying to come up with solutions...but I think I just need to listen more, love more, be more patient.
Soul Singing
I don't know if I am really messed up but I am obsessed with the music video Soul Singing by the Black Crowes. It's just the boys in a big green field playing music with people dancing around. Maybe it's because I know what that feels, tastes, and smells like. It feels like freedom, it tastes like honey, and it smells like green, green grass...I have never heard the song before but it got my soul singing. It sings to the deepest resesses of my heart and soul. Playing guitar in an open field, without a care in the world. All that matters at that point is the next chord, the next note, the next key change. It could go on forever and it does. So now begs the question: What the heck am I doing behind this freaking desk, wearing a tie? HUH???
This is a good read. As a musician in the Christian world, I often have to give myself a dose of the Beatles or the Who...as a former youth leader I was inundated with hundreds of slick-packaged gimmicks to keep kids loving Jesus. As a movie lover, I stopped after the first Left Behind...thank God for Mel Gibson!
The music is the hardest thing for me...even Switchfoot gets a little thin. Few are the killer guitar solos, ok there's Lincoln, but the shear, raw energy of such demonic bands like old KISS, and the groove of That Little Ol' Band From Texas, are hard to find attatched to the Jesus message. Not all of it now, but after Time, Third Day was a KLOVE mainstay. Crowder is getting nutty these days and PLEASE take a listen to The Listening (formerly the Rock and Roll Worship Circus). Now there is some good rock and roll there.
OK, I'm done. Read the article. It misses here and there, probably for the sake of journalistic appeal, but the whole Ark culture thing is pretty close to the scene.
newworship blog : WHAT WOULD JESUS DO? - From GQ Magazine?: "http://www.typepad.com/t/trackback/2584874"
Click on Bono Speaks and listen to this speech. Some of the best church I have been to in a while. He was gratious without being flattering...poiniant without being accusatory...all from a rock star...obviously I can relate. Yes, I think of myself as a rock star! Or at least all me heroes were rock stars. This one talks about God, Jesus, feeding the poor, helping and loving.
So lift a pint of Guiness to Pastor Bono...and praise the Lord!
Bono Pushes U.S. to Increase Aid to Poor - Yahoo! News
Another Night of Worship
I rehearsed with the Moon Valley praise team tonight! More musicians than I am used to and it was great. My old worship pastor and friend was there on vocals and harmony and I got to play a lot of lead guitar. Great group of people, great songs, great God! It scratched an itch. I get to play with the group this Sunday. I am very excited! Still, I desire to rock out even harder for the Lord. I am blessed that He has given me another opportunity to use my gifts for Him! And I have never played out of a Pod before! I had second thoughts earlier but I am glad I went. This continues my nomadic walk with Jesus. And the kingdom just got bigger! A few more brothers and sisters at the table. God is so good to me...I just need to remember that the next time I am feeling sorry for myself!
Worshipping
I just had the most awesome worship time. Just me and my guitar...singing:
How far is Heaven
Revolutionary Love
Stars
I am absolutely JONSING to do some worship music somewhere!
Just had to get that out. In the words of David Crowder...
SO AMAZING!
His love is so amazing! I love worshipping Him through song...
Just had to get that out!
The Ever-Widening Kingdom of God: My Nomadic Journey
Gods kingdom continues to get larger and larger for me. Actually, my perception and knowledge of the kingdom is getting larger. Since leaving a very self-centric church I have met with, worshipped with, emailed with so many different brothers that my head is spinning. I recently got an email from a pastor at One Church about getting together to play some guitar. We only met once for coffee but he has emailed me a couple time to see how my family and I are doing. That is kingdom stuff! I have received emails from Bobby and Zack who I look forward to meeting. I have been trained over the last six years to only fellowship with people from my own church. I was also trained that other churches didn't have it together "like we had." Basically, I was trained into believing there was really only one church...the one I was in. Now I know that teaching was wrong and even abusive.
I have visited one church recently, Moon Valley, and I play guitar at another church on Sunday nights, PV Methodist. Two messages of truth in one day! I have more on my list to visit-I want to go and check out
Praxis, Flood the Desert,
the Lifeat Scottsdale and check out Wes (thanks for the Lincoln CD!)and his praise team. I have met with some pastors from these churches and they all seem very cool. No judgement or legalistic garbage, just the message of Jesus! I have received so much grace and love from these guys. No one is trying to change me or tell me they have it all together...a refreshing change from a recent past. Humility too...VERY refreshing!
I am enjoying the coolest spritiual journey right now...like a nomad wandering from villiage to villiage, sharing Christ in His eternal kingdom. This is worlds apart from where I have been in the last 6 years. The kingdom gets bigger and bigger every day. I have been so deceived, but Jesus is showing me the truth, His people, His ways, His ever-widening kingdom.
Soundtrack=Lincoln Brewster: For These Reasons
