Great name for a song, eh? Well there is a story that turns into a longer one. This morning a music pastor/friend of mine sent me an email that said, " To the lead guitarists who never thought anyone really got what they felt when they play. Enjoy."
First off, the message made me wonder for a while then it made sense when I watched the video. It was of a guy who juggled three white balls to the tune of a Beatles song-Golden Slumber-The End. He juggled to the music, timing his throws to the drums and guitar solos. Remarkable. But not as remarkable as his face. This man TRULY enjoyed what he was doing. He beemed with joy and passion. How can you get so much passion into and out of JUGGLING? The crowd went wild, like they would for a rock star...or at the very least, a lead guitar player.
Times have been few and far between lately when I got to express my passion for music, or much else it seems. I have hundreds of fond memories of ripping out a solo or chord progression with everything in me pouring out.
*cue Bob Seger song covered by Metallica*
So now I ask myself, why the hell am I going to go to real estate school? I don't have a passion for houses or even selling...even though I can sell a blind man a pair of shades. That I do know. But here is the thing *Monk voice*, if I can get out of corporate America one day and have my own gig, and sell a lot of houses, then I will have the freedom to do the things I can't with a yearly merit raise. And my beautiful wife will become Dr. Estrada! That sounds pretty sexy!
Perhaps one day I will spend time recording songs and even putting a band together and gig a little! That would be glorious. At 41 I am trying to get my life back. Yes, I am good enough, smart enough, creative enough.
Did I actually write that?
Futurama
My wife and I have made some big plans, wonderful plans, exciting plans. We have decided not to just get by but work to live our lives the way we want to. Now that we are gone from that f-ed up church, we feel free. We have a plan to help her with her chronic pain so she can start to work on getting her bachelor's degree...she has a full four-year ride!!! Then she is going to med school. Dr. Angell!! I admit it, I can't wait to see her in her white coat and, well, the rest is none of your business.
I have also decided to make some big changes and not wait around for my yearly "merit raise." In May, I am starting real estate school for 4 weekends in a row, and I am gonna sell some freakin houses. I am hoping this will turn into something good...in the mean time I still have a steady job. Sell houses on the weekends, save up, and take my kids to Disneyland, Universal, where ever, and finally take my wife on a proper honeymoon!!
I have always been afraid of doing something like this but I have nothing to lose. I am not quitting my job and hoping for the best...and if it works out big, then I win. I am really tired of letting my insecurities run my life...and I am tired of not having money to do even the most basic fun things...like vacations, guitars, and guitars...and even a couple more guitars...oh did I mention guitars???
I have been working with a counselor who has reminded me of who and what I am...not who I was told I am. I am believing that God created me unique, creative, intelligent, and sometimes funny as hell...at least to me...I have spent too much time getting old...it's time to go for it...plus I'm getting old.
More on all of this later...but I am excited! I am already started getting a list together of things I will be saying:
1. Damn Honey, you look hot in that white lab coat!
2. Yeah, I have to show some houses this weekend.
3. Where would you like to go to dinner tonight?
4. Sure son, I think we can get you a new baseball mitt...on the way to the D-backs game (I have season tickets.)
5. Yes my little princess, Daddy will get you that pink dress.
6. Dilemmma...should I play the Telecaster or the Les Paul today...
7. Damn Honey, you look hot in that white lab coat!
This list may seem a bit materialistic but, whatever. You are too, I am just admitting it.
Mother Love Home
This morning my wife posed the question on whether it is better to have a mom who can't take good care of you or no mom at all. I assured her that having no mom is one of the worst things a kid could have. I know first hand. My mother died when I was in high school. It was a relief in some ways because she was very sick and unable to take care of my sister, brother, and I...but she was still there. There was always the hope that "mom will get better." In a weird way I still live with the hope that she is going to magically appear one day, telling me she had to disappear or she really worked for CTU (24) and was living abroad due to some CIA-Counter Terrorist Unit. But no. She is gone and in heaven. I remember seeing a movie on Houdini where at the end his wife tries to communicate with him after he died. He always told her he would contact her from the grave. I remember watching that hoping he did it. I always thought she would try and talk to me from Heaven, but I don't believe it works that way. I had a dream once that I got a St. Patrick's Day card in the mail signed, "Guess Who?" in her handwriting. She always gave us cards and stuff on any holiday and even for no reason. She signed, "Guess Who"...I still wish that dream was real. But no. She is gone and in Heaven.Even at 41, I wish I got birthday calls...she would probably still be buying me boxers and socks; and spoiling the crap out of my kids, embarassing me on holidays, and calling me Honeybee in front of my friends. (And no, you can't call me that, even as a joke). She would always have the smile she lived in, and walk through the house singing. As I write I remember her singing 'Riders on the Storm" on a rainy night, driving in Tucson...it irritated the crap out of me...now I wish it didn't. She kind of whispered the lyrics...it was annoying then, it is beautiful now. I think, like me, she spent a lot of time in a dream world. A Utopia where everyone laughed all the time and everyone was nice to each other...and everybody sang all the time. She taught me three things, Boys will be boys, Money is meant to be spent, and Rules are made to be broken. I learned well. I am still very much a boy, I have no money, and I rebell every chance I get. Thanks Mom! I do have a lot of fun!So today I am trying to convince my wife that, while she may not do everything right and she is not the ultimate soccer mom, she is there. She loves her kids deeply even if our 12 yr old has to make his own lunch. Even if the kids are late to school, Mom still dropped them off. Even if they got to bed late last night, Mom still gave each of them a kiss and a prayer. I told her hugs and kisses are worth more than home cooked meals every night...and they get quite a few of those! She will get through it. I wouldn't doubt it if my wife goes and takes both kids out of school, treats them to McDonald's for lunch, and sends them back to school wondering, "What's with mom?" What's with mom is a lot of pain, problems, doubt, fear, but most of all love. Love isn't always manifesting immediately in actions. Sometimes we can't show it all the way we think we should. And in some weird way, I am sitting here waiting to get an email from, "Guess Who."
My First Day at Hallmark
angell card
Originally uploaded by stradasphere. I just got a job at Hallmark...so my first card is for my wife...ok I just wanted to show off the card I made in Photoshop...
I Want My, I Want My, I Want My OCD
It is official. I have "Mental Obsessive Control Disorder." I knew it all the time, because it's all I could think of. I went to a therapist with my wife to "work on stuff" and one of the first things the therapist asked me was whether I was OCD or not. I answered a bunch of questions and she confirmed it. No big mystery but now I have a name to put on why I can run a thought over, and over, and over, and over...you get it. Many thoughts are ridden with guilt and shame from a previous life...but she gave me a book and some stuff to mull over (and over, and over, and over...you get it.)
She also said something interesting, disturbing, and very sad. She said it seems that I do not believe I am good at a "cellular level." (and not T-Mobile cellular.) This made sense. Even when I pray I often start out by asking God to forgive me even before I thank Him or tell Him I love Him. I have been trained to think this way...by my old church (legalistic "works-based" faith crap) and by various abusive family members. I was just never good enough. But God doesn't feel that way about me, neither does my family. But I carry a lot of guilt. Especially with my wife. I screwed her over pretty bad before we got married. But, knock knock, she took me back!
We are really working through a lot of this right now. My cellular issues, OCD, and the way I roll often shows her I don't love her. But I do you see. We just hit 6 years and there is still so much more to work through, but also so much more love. At 41 I feel like a kid and often act like one but nanny nanny to you. We celebrated our anniversary at Bennihana on Friday night and talked like we were dating...I got nauseous though which kind of messed up a certain part of the evening...but we sure had a great talk. I predict this anniversary has "turning point" written all over it. Now THAT is something to obsess about!
I Did, And I Still Do
Six years ago today I married this beautiful woman! It has been a long and crazy ride. We have been together on and off for about 13 years. The last 6 years, every day and every night.
I met this beautiful brunette at Long Wong's in Tempe. I had a green Telecaster around my neck and I was rocking out as hard as I could. Then I saw her and she was checking me out! My lead singer leaned over, mid-song, and said if you get that, you are the king. Well I am the king! She didn't say much the first night we met. I was probably coked out and I did all the talking. She was engaged to a roadie!! She graduated to a REAL musician! I knew I should stay away from her because she was engaged, but it was hard to. I kept running into her at gigs, and she was not very shy about her interest!
One night I was in the recording studio trying to lay down a lead guitar track. I kept messing up. Then the boys called me into the control room and said, "Maybe this will help...some girl named Angell called the practice studio asking for you!" She had called Long Wongs and said she wanted to book my band, Beggar's Theater. She lied to get my phone number! After I called our answering machine and heard her voice I went back in and cranked out one of the most killer solos!!!
It was a long road after that. She left squinty roadie boy and we became an item. He even had the nerve to come up to me in a bar when I was hanging with my good friend Jack (Daniels) and said, "If I could take your head off, I would". I said, "But you can't!" and smirked away in my leather jacket.
We went through a lot of relationship crap that ended in me turning her away in true rock and roll guitarist fashion. Little explanation but left the back door open. Then afte some weeks had passed...after many 2 a.m. phone calls to come over...we separated. Then at a wedding, she told me, and I quote, "I'm pregnant, it's yours, and I'm keeping it!!!" Well now!
She moved away to have our boy...I did meth. After Alex was born I tried to make it work. I failed. Tons of pain and I still acted like a rock star...but deep in my heart I knew I loved her and could not live without her. So we went to court. I got sober and visitation., She got some letters and a bunch of invitations...none that she took me up on. One day she said she was going to marry a man with the heart of Jesus...hmmm...soon after I came to the Lord. More AA, more talks, and a couple school functions later and we couldn't keep our hands off each other!! So we got married! What the hell!!
Our marriage came with a TON of baggage, and we are still working through it. But it is very real. Real love, real pain, real joy, and real hope. Hope for a long and loving, NOT PERFECT, future with the girl that I measured beauty with.
Side note: While we were apart, our son who went to a Christian school prayed every day that mom and dad would get married. We did not find this out until after we were married. His Kindergarten teacher told us with beaming eyes. Who says dreams don't come true!
