My Confession
I woke up this morning and realized I am very angry at God. I feel lied to and betrayed. I don't want to pray or read His word. If I am not playing guitar, I don't want to go to church. I don't want to be called a Christian. I don't care. I have been duped. This isn't a better life. Except the whole going to heaven thing.
If you have read any of my previous writing, you may be suprised by my rant (I hate that "blogger word").
Talking to my wife a few ago, I realized most of my frustration is about money, or lack there of. Since I have been married, we have struggled with money. We tried the traditional one income, mom at home thing, and it's not working. Living paycheck to paycheck sucks. What sucks right along with that is my wife has a 4-year ride to college waiting for her. It kills her that she can't take advantage of that. It kills me that I can't provide for us so she can. Then comes the blame game.
1. I Blame Myself: I got the most available college degree after getting kicked out of the theatre department--English Liturature. Jobs available...teacher, poet, writer. Sounds lofty but doesn't pay the bills. I tried the teaching thing and found out it isn't students that make the job suck, it's other teachers. I never liked them when I went to school anyway. I found I can manage (manipulate) people so I have risen through some ranks in corpoarte education. My favorite job was a restaurant manager who dressed up as Elvis everynight. But I was single and Bobby McGee's is long gone.
2. I Blame My Wife: She should just go out there and get a job and suck it up. NOTE: In my heart of hearts I don't really want this for her. I want her to have her dreams. She should not buy anything that we don't need. Yeah right, that takes away from Daddy's fun too. Bullshit. She should be able to buy all the freaking candles and craft stuff she wants. Oh yeah, and she should of never gotten pregnant...THANK GOD SHE DID!! So we go back to #1.
3. I Blame My Dreams:..and all the people who said I was special. Sorry Mom, but you are at the top of the list here. I tried to follow my dreams and ended up broke everytime. Plus it is hard to have a family when you are out every night at rehearsal or at a show. There were the select few teachers and family members, you too my lovely wife, who said I was going to do something great.(But they said I was special, not that I would have money)
***NOW THE BIGGIE***
4. I Blame God: You told me everything was going to be alright. You said You would not let me fall. But I did. You said, do the right thing and marry your son's mother (besides the fact that I love her...I am being pissy here). You said follow Your Son. I DID! You let me start out my journey with Him in the most f-ed up church that stole 6 years of my life. 6 years of judgement, spiritual abuse, lies, and mostly bullshit. Why didn't You save me from that? I wasn't spiritually aware enough to know what was going on. Hell, I just got off the meth. I try to provide for my "traditional family" and it aint-a-workin.
Wait, none of this was Your fault. That was Christianity.
There it is folks. My confession. And most of it comes from the little kid in my heart that wants his dreams to come true and live in Utopia. The rest of it comes from a frustrated and confused man. I still believe in miracles, but the one I am looking for has a dollar sign on it. Forget that I have a family that loves me to death, I am not on drugs anymore, I am starting to play music again and I am out of that fucking cult-church. Show me some cash.
The funny (not quite the right word) thing is, out of all the people I blame, God is the One who forgives and loves me most.
Short Update
Yes, it's been a while. Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving. We were too broke to do my Emeril style brined turkey this year. We went to my dad's instead. First time in 5 years!
I feel like dog crap today. Getting sick and want to stay in bed. Thank God it is almost time to go home.
Still waiting for the Who to announce AZ date...not giving up hope.
My son turned 13 yesterday, I am officially the father of a teenager! YIKES!
Again, I feel like dog poop. Must. Get. Home.
Peace Y'all
I ran into this organization awhile ago and it inspired me. This was a while back when, I believe, I realized I was heading down life miserably, and that my soul was suffering. We had just left the cultchurch and I was searching for meaning. Music had become something only for "the church" and I started remembering lies my father told me when he was pissed.
"When are going to stop all that Mickey Mouse guitar playing and do something!"
---Mickey Mouse guitar playing...ouch.
Those of you that tag along my story know that I have been on a journey lately. Some dreams are starting to come true. Let's not forget the shining bright super fucking nova!
This leads me to Guitars Not Guns. This organization gives guitars and lessons to foster kids and underprivileged kids. I contacted them a while back but put it on the back burner. Well today I went on their website and saw they have me listed as the contact for the AZ chapter. SO, I might as well go for it. I emailed for info and I am going to get this going.
I was "well off" as a child, at least monetarily, but emotionally all I had to comfort me at times was my axe. Playing the guitar helped me forget the yelling, the crying, the loneliness, and the confusion I grew up in. I put on an album, cranked up my amp, and I was no longer a trouble making little punk. I was a rock star! Today I am committing to share this with other kids!
I might even teach them the proper technique of smashing them!
Amazing Jouney
Waiting for the next best thing to happen! Let's start with Friday.
First thing Friday morning as my wife was getting her garage sale going, she calls me to the car to hear an interview with Pete. I missed it but heard him say they are coming to PHX in FEB! Then I get call after call from her telling me all the stuff she sold, adding up all of our fun money for our LA trip to see The Who!
Friday Night: Get to the gig with Jeff Eaton. Weird at first, the band and I were checking each other out, not knowing what the other's deal was. Then we get on stage. Unfortunately, the club owner didn't promote the gig so there was almost no one there. However, 10 people or 100, musicians should still play their heart out and we did! Any curiosity about whether the other guys or me had chops were gone after the first song. We jelled and jammed! After the first set, it was like we had been playing together forever. Then one of the guitar players, an absolute nut named Jason said something about indoctrination, and I guess they voted me in. It was just assumed that I was now apart of the band!! By the end of the night, a promoter came over from the bar next door and told Jeff he wants us to play an upcoming festival. To top it off, I saw an old friend from college who hooked me up with the gig and there was a $50.00 band bar tab! Ch-ching, gulp.
Saturday: The wife and I got a late start on the road, but we were soon jamming to The Who and I was explaining every song and what they meant to me. We road tripped like we were dating, except no funny business in the van! With no kids around we were able to relax, break the speed limit and rock and talk. We stayed in a 4 star hotel on the 24th floor. Gorgeous! We didn't get to use my Cheesecake Factory card for dinner due to travel and time contraints. After I got over a pouting bout, we were in Hollywood walking to the Bowl! One ten dollar bootleg t-shirt, two beers and a dog later...we were in our seats watching THE WHO!!!
The Show: Our seats were far back but thank God for the video screens. The back speakers were not working so we didn't get the decibal level I was hoping for but I was there. After breathing deep the surrounding air, I rocked out like I was 12! I have never been so rowdy at a concert, even when I was a kid. I let go and rocked out, laughed, screamed, and sang. My lovely wife was content listening and soaking in a surreal experience. But when they played the Tommy medley, sparks flew (pun intended!). I have seen them before, live, videos, etc., but this performance was out of control!! The energy, even from the back of the Bowl was electrifying! The windmills, the mic swings, the whole damn thing.
Later: We partied a bit with my cousin and his wife and we managed to make our train back to LA. There, buzzing still, my wife had room service for the first time in her life! We chowed and I eventually went out from exhaustion!
Home: We made it home only to find an email from Jeff Eaton saying we have a battle of the bands gig at Alice Cooperstown in two weeks. If we win, we get to play Alice Cooper's Christmas Pudding show at the Dodge Theater!
And today is my annual review at work. I am hoping for a good raise and new title (promotion!).
There were so many little cosmic things that happened and continue to. In the past I would be waitng for the rug to be pulled out from underneath me. But no more. I am waiting for the next great thing to happen!
Whew!
In Just Over 24 Hours...
...I WILL BE AT THE HOLLYWOOD BOWL WATCHING THE WHO!!!!!
I fell like a little kid without his Ritalin. I should not be at work! Plus tonite is my gig with Jeff Eaton! I met and jammed with him last night. It was like I've known him forever.
What a weekend coming up. First a gig then off to LA to see the Boys! My wife had a garage sale for fun money and we made a killing. Our kids went to a good family though!
I wish I could have hooked up with the Who bloggers at BallurinaGurl's blogger dinner but there is always next time.
And speaking of next time: My wife called me over to her van just in time to hear the tail end of a radio interview with Pete. I missed the interview but then he said, "Well I'll see you all in Feburary. We are going to be there some time in Feburary." YES, the Who is coming to Phoenix and I haven't used my presale option yet...damn does it get any better than this?
My wife got us a 4 Star hotel for $75, we made mad cash for stuff we don't use anymore, and I am taking Monday off to recuperate and go paintballing with my son...breathe Lionel, breathe!
LONG LIVE ROCK!!!!!!!!!
The Glass
Yesterday I was reading
Zach's latest about depression, God, etc. and I commented about the whole "glass-half empty/full thing". While I like to think mine is half-full, if not brimming. Often times I find it is actually turned upside down?with the contents inside and undrinkable. Move the glass, spill the contents. Then there are times, like this morning where it felt like someone turned my glass upside down. Digging deeper, I admit that I usually think it is God. I have done yet another thing wrong. I am not good enough. I deserve to feel like shit.
So basically, I wake up in lies before I can get enough caffeine in my system. And before I can pray. It happened this morning which led to me breaking out my mental Roledex looking for all the shit I need to worry about. That's where my OCD kicks in. Then the obsessing starts. It is maddening. My wife doesn't understand but she accepts it as a part of me. You see, I just can't
stop worrying. Once the onslaught begins I have to go into battle. Mental. Spiritual.
My battle back to sanity involves some prayer but mostly music. I need to hear the right song or set of songs to set me straight. Since I don't do LSD anymore I need to find another way to have an out of body experience. Step back and look at who I REALLY am and what I really have.
I have a lot. I have a lot to give.
Look! The glass turned over...and it is full.
